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sorry i forgot…

sorry i forgot to say it
i forgot to say ur beatiful today
i forgot to kiss u passionately like ussually do
i forgot to look in your eyes and tell u i love u
i forgot to hold u tight
that whole time u were next to me
i just let it slide
but let me tell u i did say it
when i got up this morning
when i rushed to get dressed so i could meet up wit u
when i we all ran for that bus
today was for us in the future
its never too late we have time
unless we die tonight
then this is the last thing u said to me “goodnight”
wit no love
-for tomorrow if it comes cuz love makes the sun go up
I REALLY DO LOVE U AND IN THE FUTURE I WILL BE BY UR SIDE LOVING U AND UR BEAUTY. JUST WAIT FOR IT

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i wana tell u h…

i wana tell u how much i love u
and show u y we should be together
and y u should believe
and not leave
but i dont wana fight
and i dont want to go back and forth
i want to know its true
and stable
i want u
u want me
and we both have to change and leave somethings
for the better
for our love
for our happiness and prosperity
we can do this
i love you
love me
love god
u fell asleep on me but is ok i hope you have sweet dreams and happy dreams and that when u wake up ur happy and full of love for us. keep us alive. in ur heart. one day at a time step by step. no more fights.

Lost.

I wrote this like ten hours ago, but I didn’t have internet to post it.  So i’m posting it now.

Here it is:

I don’t know anything about you.

I just know that I loved you. And that you loved me. And that we have a daughter. And that you’re my husband. And that I’m your wife.

Otherwise, I don’t know anything at all.

Do I love you? Do you love me? If I died today, would you be sad? Would you feel regret? Or would you feel relief?I’d hope you wouldn’t feel happy.

But maybe you would. I guess I don’t get to choose.

I don’t know how to explain how I feel about you nowadays.

I don’t love you the way I used to. I think it’s safe to say you don’t either.

I wonder if you spend as much time thinking about it as I do.

I wonder what it’s like to be able to get to do things that you enjoy. For yourself. Like Rugby. I haven’t had the chance to do something for myself in years.

But then I wonder what it’s like to lose everything too. I guess Rugby isn’t such a great thing after all. I mean, the price we have to pay for it…

I mean, I lost everything too. But I do get to be with Isabella. So I didn’t lose her. Which seems like a great thing. And it is. But I lost you.

It happened a long time ago, long before December. Maybe the moment I shouted at you that I was pregnant and hung up.

I want explanations. I want real fucking facts. But I know I won’t get them.

I’m just tired.

And sad. What does love feel like? Ours feels like insanity.

How could I love you still? If that is indeed what I’m feeling. How can I look over all the bad shit and think, “that’s my man. that’s who I married. that’s who I want forever and always with”

How can anyone understand what I’m going through.

I can’t believe you still deny that you choked me. I understand not wanting to go to jail. But I wonder if in your heart you see what you’re doing.

I can’t believe that you think I’m lying about my bruises. I know that you could kill me.

No one seems to really think you capable, not even me. I say…he would never but deep down I know you could and would.

Sometimes I think that God will save us. After all, what God unites no man can break…

And then I think, maybe God didn’t unite us. Maybe we were brought together by the Devil to destroy each other’s lives. After all we did unite in sin. Maybe our love was all a lie.

I’d hate to believe that’s true. Because I loved you. I loved you in a way you will never understand.

Sometimess I wonder if you remember any of that? I didn’t.I forgot about it. I had to go back and read messages from 2009 to now to remember.

Sometimes I wonder if I could have ever made you happy. Why did you hate me so much? You swore to honor, protect, and provide for me. Why did you decide that I was suddenly someone who repulsed you. Someone you could call a bitch, call hideous, call stupid, insult, put down, disrespect, harm, destroy.

When did we stop fighting for each other? When did you figure out that you’d rather fight with me than for me.

Then I wonder if it is even possible for you to respect me again. Can I ever respect you again? Or should we just go our seperate ways.

Because you stopped valuing me. And I stopped respecting you. Maybe we should each just find people who we can create happiness with.

Then I think, either way it’s gonna take work. I think I’d rather do that work with you.

But who knows, with all the people that surround you, you may never be able to put me first.

Everyone and everything was more important to me. And no one was more important than you.

Now that I’m away from you, I can finally concentrate on God. Make Him more important. I pray every day and every night for Him to help us. Help me. I was sure that I wanted a divorce three months ago. But I feel God pulling my heart to you, not away from you.

I want to be a woman of Faith. I want to love God. He is my husband in your absence. But even if we were to save our marriage he would be my Husband.

But I’m scared that God isn’t working on your heart as well. I’m scared that you will let the anger win. I’m scared that your heart isn’t being pulled to mine. I’m doubtful. And then I realize I need to pray and believe in God. If he’s working on my heart, he must be working on yours.

I’m scared that we will fall into the Devil’s trap. I just pray that the Devil doesn’t win. Not with us. Not here. Not ever!

Would you call me crazy if I told you that even if our love is gone, I don’t believe that to be a big issue?

Like I said, our marriage needs a miracle, but God can do miracles. God could fix all of our problems. We just have to have Faith.

So I pray for Faith, I pray for patience, I pray that He soften my heart. Allow me to follow His law. I pray that you pray too. And that the snakes around us don’t lead us in the wrong direction.

I worry that your best friend (who I do believe the Devil is using to break our marriage) will affect you. But I must let that go.

I must pray to God and believe that if it is His will, no one can break it.

In the end, we will be okay. Together or not. As long as we can keep open hearts and allow ourselves to grow.

I’m scared to say I love you, but I think that I do.

It’s too soon to tell you I love you. I’m busy working on myself.

It’s not safe to say I love you…

So I won’t say it today.

So, I guess I will say you are my husband. And I am your wife. Just remember that even if were not together, we’re still married and I hope that you honor that until we get divorced.

Aside

The end. The beginning. The beginning to the end. Or the beginning of love.

Today is March 26th, 2014.

I went to court today for the third time this year. Thankfully, it will be the last. At least regarding that case.

My husband and I signed a stipulation that will not allow us to talk for the next year.

This is my blog about my journey from here to there. I don’t make any promises of what kind of blog this will be or if i will even follow through with it. My goal is to write something every day. If only a sentence, if only a word.

It’s going be raw. It might be sad, it might be angry, it might be happy. I don’t know.

This time last year, we had just moved in to our own home. The CPS worker had “left” our lives and though things were tense, I was naive enough to believe we would be okay, In March of last year I was so full of hope about us. So convinced I could love the anger out of you. If I just loved you hard enough you would remember I used to be “the princess to you heart,”  I wonder if you even remember calling me that. I didn’t.

It has been such a long, long time…

Such a long time, yet such a short period of time for our lives to be destroyed.

This same time, two years ago (March 2012), I was getting pregnant. Or I guess, I might been a week or two pregnant. I was so scared. I thought i was going to get an abortion. You wanted me to keep her, so I did. I remember being so in love with you, so afraid, but also really happy to be carrying our baby. I changed my mind, but so did you. You didn’t want me to have her anymore. But you said it was up to me. And I was willing to leave my dreams behind to fall deeply in love with our family. I guess I should have known…

Your anger must have started there.

But you seemed happy. I believed you. I believed in us. I believed in love. I believed in your ability to protect me and our baby, which was really only a cluster of cells at that point.

I must have became angry at this point too. Forced to be with each other. I wanted you to dote on me. I wanted you to treat me like a princess for carrying our baby. You resented it. I know you did.

I resented it too. Feeling like I did most of the pregnancy on my own. Like I was the one going around to all the parenting classes, I was the one that had the burden. You clocked out. You walked out on me, because you resented me and this baby. You felt the walls closing in and decided to check out emotionally. You never wanted to talk to her. Every time I asked you to talk to her when you came home, you never wanted to. It broke my heart.

But you were perfect when Isabella was being born. You were perfect.

But you were horrible in the shower when I got home. Evil, even. At my weakest, your frustration took over.

And I loved you.

And I didn’t know what was happening. And you weren’t helping at night. Then you started calling me a bitch. It became something so easy for you to say.

UGH. I totally dont want to write about this anymore. It’s like a dumb re-run of a stupid show. It will never make sense. I dont know why I keep trying to analyze it.

I know you love Isabella. I know that I used to love you. I think that our love might have been real.

Sometimes I think our marriage can overcome this. If we want it to. If we put in the work. I’m all:

“This marriage is broken beyond human repair. The only thing that could save this marriage is a miracle…thankfully I have a God who can do miracles. IF we open our hearts and let Him do the work in our lives, we can come back in a year and it won’t make a difference.”

& that’s when I listen to Mariah Carey singing, “you’ll always be my baby” because you will, baby. you will.

And then I’m like…how could you be so heartless? How could you take all these things away from me? I’m raising our daughter on my own, with no financial aid, just my part time job to support us and I had to put in child support for you to even think of helping your baby.

And I get angry and I think about my friend Jaime. Who has a crush on me and has bought Isabella diapers without me ever asking him to do that. Helping me support a daughter that isn’t his. And being kind to her. Being kind to me. Never once asking me what happened with us. Just helping me in school and helping me reach my dreams. You never supported me in this. And I start thinking, I could be with someone else…you know? Clearly there are people who wouldn’t mind being step father and respecting a role like that. Clearly there are people who could do that.

& then I feel extreme guilt. Why? Because Isabella has such a loving heart and she likes being around Jaime. It makes me really uncomfortable sometimes, so  stopped allowing them to see each other.

I get all mixed up. You are my husband, but you checked out. You weren’t here.

I know I’m not perfect and have made some really crucial mistakes as well. There were so many flags, baby.So many screams telling you, that you were losing me. So many signs that I was losing you.

I remember the night we were half asleep and woke up and had sex. I wouldn’t kiss you. I remeber so clearly, the next day our conversation was something along the lines of me saying,

“did you like it?” and you responded with, “idk, it was weird. i mean, it was good, but you didnt wanna kiss me.”

I remember it so clearly. But I pretended I didn’t. I just couldn’t kiss you without feeling bad. Your kisses tasted like anger, felt like contempt, they just felt wrong.

I always wanted to have sex with you. That was never ever and issue with us. It was (at that point) one of the only times we were happy. Our communication had ceased to matter. Our love was dying. Our hearts were hurting and angry. Sex was the last thing holding us together. So I held on to it. It was the only time I felt “close” to you. But I couldn’t kiss you.

I wish you had fought for me. I wish you had fought for Isabella. I know that you’re fighting for her now…I’m glad.

It’ll be ok.

I don’t know what will happen. I dont know how you feel. I dont even know how I feel. I know that I’m going to take steps soon and you will find out about them. And I can’t really control how you take it. But it’s what is best for us. Especially since you’re already dividing our assets. We might as well follow through…

You’ll find out soon. I don’t think I will try to explain myself in that regard.

You’ll find out soon.